before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

 
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with

 my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for

a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked

back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing

different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's

type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the

good-looking gentlemen who

works at the store..
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him

and said, "I think I like playing

with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking

at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned

beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never

let me forget.

 
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start

behaving "right now" she would

be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in

the eye and said in a voice just as

threatening, "If you don't let me

go right now, I will tell Grandma

that I saw you kissing Daddy's

pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this

enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what

they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity

and walked out of the bank with my

daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door

closed behind me, were screams of

laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a

question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot

of problems with potty training and

I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell

for a quick lunch, in between errands

It was very busy, with a full dining room

While enjoying my taco, I smelled

something funny, so of course I

checked my seven-month-old daughter,

she was clean.
The I realized that Danny had not asked

to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,

and he said "No".

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child

has had an accident, and I don't

have any clothes with me."

Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't

have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse
Soooooo, I asked one more time,

"Danny did you have an accident?

This time he jumped up, yanked down

his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,

likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor that,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember
we all say things we don't really me an,
so think before you speak.